


To Thine Own Self Be True

by Frin



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fix-It, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-20
Updated: 2014-09-23
Packaged: 2018-02-18 04:22:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2335139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frin/pseuds/Frin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The journey's ended and someone cannot see exactly what he gave her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

They still called him ‘Doctor’, all the people he met at Torchwood One. He didn’t seem to need another name on face value. He seemed to fit in there despite his reservations about the whole ‘Torchwood’ thing, but when it came to it he actually felt quite at home there and the team he became part of all knew of him and respected him and were genuinely interested in what he believed in. Not that that seemed to mean anything to Rose.

She didn’t really call him anything. Not that she didn’t speak to him, of course she did. She was the perfect companion as she always had been. But sometimes he caught the look on her face at something he said or did and it was as if he had cut himself.

It was the nightmares that got to him the most, knowing what her distress was and hearing her cries and being completely unable to do a thing about them. Her gaunt face the morning after showed the tears and the strain of pretending and sometimes, just sometimes, it made him feel like running.

Time moved so slowly despite the constant stream of busyness that they surrounded their lives with. He supposed that burying themselves in this was just another form of running.

He went shopping for essentials shortly after his first payday. He clutched ‘John Smith’s’ debit card inside his scruffy blue suit pocket and carefully picked his way through hangers upon hangers of suits and while he did this he went through the arguments he had had with Rose about money.

“You’ve given me a roof, meals; I don’t expect you to clothe me as well, Rose… I’ll get by!”

“You’re just being stubborn… money is nothing… you can’t get by on one suit that’s been through quite a bit by the looks of it!”

“Yes, I can… and yes, it has!” She had pouted then and he got the distinct impression that she had wanted to dress him up to show him off to her friends.

Stubborn or not, he had got through that first month washing out his t-shirt and underwear and drying them overnight whilst brushing down his blue suit that she seemed to abhor so very much.

When he found the brown pinstriped suit and studied the stitching in the changing room, he felt a little hope fill his heart and bounded home on new beige Converse All Stars thinking that she might start to see. He really was still him.

No, that hadn’t worked at all; she had stifled a sob on a breath and retreated to her room for well over five and a half hours.

That was the first time he had found himself in the pub just around the corner from Canary Wharf supping a few pints with ‘the team.’

The alcohol had helped numb his feelings at first, but gradually, as he got more and more inebriated; he began to become maudlin and stumbled back to the flat where a worried Rose had finally surfaced from her hidey hole.

She shook her head when she saw the state he was in and the anger that had curdled inside him remained long after he had sobered up. If she couldn’t accept him for who he was then he would just have to begin again.

He began looking for accommodation in the city near work, not telling her, not sharing that much. He still travelled with her every day, still worked closely with her. They were still friends, but there was a line that they couldn’t cross and this was what he had to get away from.

When he found a place, he didn’t tell her until he was ready to move in. He just filled it with what he needed and packed what he had at the flat up in a bin bag.

“Rose…” he tapped on her door and she got up off the bed that she spent so much time in and came to the door.

“Yeah?”

“Listen… I’m off… thanks for putting me up till I got on my feet, but I’ll be out your way now…”

“What?”

“I’ve rented a flat… near work… it’s not much, but it's home…”

“I don’t under… I didn’t kno… you didn’t tell me…”

“I know… well, you’ve been so wrapped up in… well, whatever… I just got on with it… here… landline number… address… see you at work, yeah?”

He turned before she could say another word and walked down the corridor, black bag slung over his shoulder. He wasn’t wanted, wasn’t needed and he was going to make it on his own. As he always had had to.

He let himself into the building and climbed the stairs with heavy feet. He knew that she would be upset by his leaving, but he really had no choice. If he had stayed, he would have ended up full of hate. The last thing he wanted to do was hate her.

No, this was right, they were friends and he needed to distance them from his feelings and from her pain.

He sat in his box feeling more claustrophobic than he had ever felt before. He needed a plan.

Running was all very well, bottling up and quashing feelings par for the course. But what he needed second to Rose was to travel and working where he did with access to the various departments he had permission to, he was formulating a plan.

Alright the Belquor ship wasn’t a TARDIS, but with some adaptations here and there it would make a great cruiser. He could get out there, do what he always did. Leave Rose Tyler behind as he had done all those years ago. With just as much pain.

So, that was his goal. He worked and ate and slept and in between he sourced and built and sourced and built and no one bothered him and his genius invention. No one stopped to think that he was planning a getaway, that as soon as he could he would be off.

And while all this was going on, he maintained as ordinary life as he could. Pub at the weekends, the odd party. He was even asked out on a couple of dates. To which he declined.

Rose kept the same social circle as him. Torchwood tended to bandy together. But she wasn’t a regular and he knew that she, more often than not, crept back to her hidey hole and lamented her losses alone.

Sometimes he would catch her staring at him and he would know she wasn’t actually thinking of him.

But their friendship was still strong, they still talked about everything (almost). A couple of times, she even ended up eating take away in his little flat.

Once a month, they went to the cinema and spent an hour or so afterwards dissecting the dodgy plotlines.

Finally the Belquor ship was ready, and he (very cleverly) had worked in a trans-dimensional storage space packed to the brim with essentials. It was by no means on the same level as his beautiful, lost TARDIS, but it was a start. He had enough supplies to last him for months.

He wrote a letter to Rose and posted it first class:

_Dear Rose,_

_By the time you get this I will be gone. It isn’t easy, this being human lark and it is high time I moved on. I know seeing this fizzog every day hasn’t been easy on you and I am so very grateful for all you have done for me. Truly, you have conducted yourself very well._

_However, I do have to say this to you. The man you mourn asked only one thing of you. He asked you to have the one adventure that he can never have. If you don’t live it, Rose, then what’s the point?_

_So, apologies for possibly stealing this old ship, but lets face it when I got her, she was just a piece of scrap metal. I hope Pete doesn’t give everyone too hard a time about it._

_I’ll try and send you a postcard wherever possible._

_All my love the Doctor._

 

He made his way to Torchwood very early that morning with just the night staff closing their shift to worry about. They were used to him coming and going at all hours so they didn’t even ask. Which was just as well.

Little did he know that Rose’s postman started on her block and that she was up with the dawn these days.

Little did he know that Rose was already reading his letter as he made his way towards Canary Wharf.


	2. Chapter 2

At first she just couldn't bear it. She had travelled so far only to be dumped back on a universe that would, to some degree, never be quite right.

Added to that, she had been given the charge of a new man who needed her too much, who expected something much more than she was capable of giving at that point.

He respected her enough to let her breath, though, and sharing a flat as friends together seemed the most natural way forward. In truth, she couldn't bear to let him out of her sight, although she was unaware of that.

He fitted in very well at work, everyone looked up to him and he became a popular and important member of the Torchwood family. There were even a few crushes bandied about amongst the girls in admin and whispers from elsewhere too. She wasn’t exactly sure how she felt about that, but was very relieved when he showed no interest in anyone. He hadn’t changed that much, not really.

She couldn't believe quite how fussy he was about money, insisting on wearing the blue suit that only reminded her that he wasn't him. 'Besides,' a little voice had chided her from deep within 'you always wanted to see what he looked like in civvies.'

Then of course one day, he had completely floored her by arriving home in a new suit. He looked so pleased with himself and her heart had just cracked a little more. For her loss and for the desperate man in front of her who was, in his own words, ‘only trying to please her’.

Unsure of how to react, she fled to her room. The brown pinstripes were too much. She couldn't deny how much she was attracted to him and if she hid from that, then she would at least spare his feelings, wouldn't she?

She heard the front door slam and it was a long while later that he returned. He was very drunk and she couldn't cope with the accusation on his face, so she hid again. He seemed angry about it even in the morning after he was sobered and hung-over. The brown suit didn’t appear again.

He became a little more recluse after that, a void had opened between them and she didn’t know how to try and communicate her very conflicted feelings with him. 

It was such a shock, the day he left her flat, she really believed he would have tried harder, stayed longer, but it seemed he was giving up and getting on with it and she could hardly blame him. He had been observing her grief for months now.

In actual fact, she felt their relationship was improving with the space between them. They moved in the same social circle and weren’t about to start avoiding one another. Sometimes, she would find herself studying him as he captured the audience of their mutual friends and she would be transported to almost another dimension. Truly, he was still him and yet, he was displaying a new, almost domestic side to himself that she wasn’t familiar with. 

Funnily enough, this made him more attractive to her and he would catch her gaping at him like an idiot and she would quickly look away. She felt like a school girl with plaits around him at these moments.

They made an effort to do stuff together, just as friends, but her hopes were up, she thought they were beginning to build. Okay, both of them were fragile, had been hurt over and over. But she found that with the advent of their new relationship she felt something she hadn’t in so long. She felt hope.

They often chatted at work, he was always tinkering away with the alien artefacts stored in the archives below the Wharf and she feigned interest as she always had, just so she could hear his voice dropping and rising in that wonderful timbre she loved so much.

A couple of times, they shared a takeaway in his quirky little flat.

They even started going out on dates, went to the cinema regularly. It was purely plutonic, but she was facing it, they needed to be sure about it all before anything romantic began, didn’t they?

The letter came out of the blue and shocked her to the core. Stood trembling in her dressing gown and realising how silly she had been. The pace had been slow because he had believed there was nothing romantic between them. There actually had been no pace. 

Of course, things should always be said or misunderstandings were bound to happen. And he was going, just like he would do. Why had she been so blind?

She dressed quickly and began a journey across town, praying that she wasn’t going to be too late.

The tube was never busy this early and knowing his habit of walking everywhere, she hoped this would be her advantage. 

The race to Torchwood was on...


	3. Chapter 3

He didn’t know why he was hesitating; he was all packed… all checked and ready to go. But something was stopping him from taking that plunge and launching his new ship into space.

He sat at his desk and pondered upon his circumstances in full knowledge that in less than an hour the first shift would arrive and he wouldn’t be able to go.

Rose didn’t want him, not in that way. It was obvious. Without a TARDIS, two hearts, he had nothing to offer her and this angered him so very much. It angered him because he actually knew. At that point, on that beach he was him, there was no difference except the important physicalities which he had calculated should have been his advantage. Only she didn’t see that, not at all.

These past few months had been a real eye opener; that was sure. It wasn’t that Rose was shallow in wanting the other, more like she was blinkered by her wants and needs. He had tried to break through the shell she had grown around herself and failed dismally.

It seemed that all three of them were destined to live out their lives lonely. Granted, Rose and himself would have less time to waste regretting, but still forever was forever however long it was, right?

He couldn’t waste away this precious, short life waiting for her when he could see with his own eyes it was useless. He couldn’t convince her, couldn’t force her, and so the best thing was to do what he was doing and leave. Find something to fill the gap like he always had. To live a domestic life on Earth without the woman he… well, without Rose wasn’t being true to him self. And he had to give himself that if nothing else.

 

***************

 

The train seemed to be going at a snail’s pace and Rose could feel the panic rising up her body like bile. She couldn’t bear the thought of him leaving. Of never seeing him again, of never being able to grow their friendship into what it was destined to be.

Destined. What a word to use in her thoughts. They didn’t believe in destiny, they never had and yet it sometimes seemed that they had always been destined to this.

She had been there when the hand that he had grown from had been severed from its newly generated Time Lord. In fact that same Time Lord had told her even before that that there was a weakness in his wrist.

_“Oh… and a slight weakness to the Dorsal Tubercle…”_

He had been almost proud of it then, before everything started to go wrong. She smiled to herself and was rewarded with a strange look from another traveller on the tube.

The Jubilee line was thankfully free of any hold ups that morning and Rose took the escalators two steps at a time and looked up at the Wharf biting her lip, hoping that he hadn’t already gone without her even telling him.

She ran, nearly colliding with a large man who swore at her, but she didn’t stop, she sprinted into the building and forgot about the lifts as she careened down the stairs to the basement where she knew he had been working on an old alien ship amongst other things.

It took her a while to get enough breath back to make her brain remember the security code for the basement entrances and, in her panic, she got it wrong twice. Valuable time was trickling through her fingers and she could feel the tears of frustration pricking at her sockets.

There was a noise like nothing she had ever heard before blasting from within and in no time she was through the double doors and at a sprint again heading down the corridors towards the sound of the screeching engines that reverberated upon her ear drums.

She flung herself through the door to the large lab whose equivalent in the alternate had housed a massive void ship and saw the outlines of the Belquor ship as it began its disappearance and she felt completely and utterly useless just watching it. She was too late.

And then…. as if by some kind of reprieve from the gods and before it had completely disappeared, it re-materialised and he pushed open the hatch, slid out and opened a panel nearby him. The engines cut out and she froze, unable to speak, but willing him to look down.

And then he did, his eyes seeking out hers as if he already knew she would be there and he looked firstly pleased, then puzzled and finally a little angry to see her.

“Rose?” He slid easily down the ships curved body and landed on his feet a small distance from her. She was flushed and still a little out of breath.

“I got your letter…”

“Ah… it wasn’t supposed to be quite so… punctual… that’s the Royal Mail for you… when you want something to arrive on time, it never does and when you could do with a couple of days grace…”

“Yeah… ‘cept this ain’t the Royal Mail… no monarch here…” She was still clutching the letter in her hand and waved it at him almost aggressively.

“Rose… why are you here?”

“What?”

“Why did you come? You must have realised that I’d be off at some point… surely prolonging it only makes it more… you know…” He shrugged and turned back; lifting another hatch and making adjustments that she didn’t even believe were real.

“You were just gonna run off… leave me behind… a quick note and off?”

“What did you expect? It’s quite obvious what you feel and I need… I need… I’m suffocating here!”

“What is obvious?”

“What?”

“You said it’s quite obvious how I feel… are you jumping to conclusions here, because I don’t recall having any heart to heart with you about my feelings in a long, long time!” It was the most she had said on a personal level since he had become and he didn’t feel entirely comfortable with it.

“I told you how I felt, Rose… first time I ever have… but it became very obvious how you felt when you locked yourself away. I was just the reminder!”

“So… let me get this straight… you’re telling me that you’re not him? I mean as I recall, you were completely adamant that you are him… now you’re not?”

“Of course I’m him… look at me! I’m me now though... and I quite like me… you’re just twisting my words…”

“I was miserable about the choice, I admit, but having adjusted and got to know you better, I… well… I really thought…”

“What? What did you really think, Rose? A few trips to the cinema and some Chinese food and that would be enough for me?”

“I thought we were headed in the right direction…”

“I moved out of your flat… how can that be headed in the right direction?”

“Yeah… but things were better after that…”

“Rose, you’re serious, right?”

“You think I’d joke about losing my best friend?”

“Friend?” he faltered at that and she flushed, her lower lip getting the usual worrying from her teeth.

“This ain’t easy…”

“What exactly isn’t easy?”

“Feelings and that… you know… always having to say I love you on a departure…”

“You love me?”

“Well… yeah… why do you think I chased you across town, to wave you off?”

“I have to admit, there’s a part of me that can’t quite… I mean, Rose, you haven’t… I just thought…”

“Well, you haven’t either… I thought we were plodding along slowly… like we always did… I thought there was a future for us…”

“It just seems funny that you own to it now as I’m going… are you sure it’s me you want and not the stars?” Rose stepped back, stung.

“You really think that of me?” she gasped, “you think I’m that shallow?”

“I don’t know anything anymore! I believed you didn’t want me… if I had thought there was any chance…”

“You thought I came after you simply to join you in travelling?” Anger was beginning to rise in her and he felt this unfair. She had cloaked her feelings, not letting him in at all and assumed he would just wait patiently like a good Doctor.

And that was another point, in all the time that he had been here, she hadn’t once called him that. Who did she think he was?

“Did you?” The bitterness he used in his words reflected on her face and this huge revelation was spoilt.

“Forget it!” she said and left through the double doors she had barged through ten minutes before.

He should have gone after her, should have had it out with her properly once and for all. But he was angry and selfishly worried that his intention to take the ship might be found out. 

He sighed and climbed back up to the doors sealed himself in and started the engines again.


	4. Chapter 4

He sat, in stasis, the ship flickering in and out of materialisation, for a long moment, his anger quickly dispelling and the thud of his heart realising what she had just owned to.

She had built barriers to protect her vulnerable human heart and he had jumped to conclusions. Here he was, leaving her just like he always did and if he did that to her now after everything, she would never trust again.

He didn’t want to go, not like this anyway. He had lived and breathed loving and wanting her for years now and when she finally had the courage to tell him, he had thrown it back in her face with stupid accusations that he didn’t even really believe in.

The engines purred beneath him and he knew that all the time he let it he was in danger of being found out. And all of a sudden that didn’t seem to matter any more.

And then, above the noise of the roaring engines whining to get into orbit, he heard a call that seemed so very far away.

“Doctor!” He blinked, believing himself to be imagining it. “Doctor!” It was Rose’s voice, pain and desperation etched into it. “Doctor!” 

He looked down at the flickering image of the world he was halfway through leaving and saw her. A lone figure, small and frail and broken; the tears streaking her face.

The ship materialised in moments and he was out again and sliding back to the ground.

“So, I’m still the Doctor, then?”

“There was never any argument from me…”

“You didn’t want me, Rose…”

“Did I say that? I don’t remember ever saying that!”

“But the way you acted… the tears… the nightmares…”

“I won’t deny how confusing it all was… yeah, I was in a kind of mourning, and I really thought you understood that…”

“I did… I do!”

“And as for the nightmares… I’ve been having them years… it comes with the territory… you suffer with them too… or at least, you did.” Her voice was so low, he could barely hear her and he stepped closer to her but she stepped back, already building up the protective walls again.

“But I thought…”

“You jumped to conclusions, Doctor, because you made the, oh, so very human mistake of not believing in yourself and not believing in me either.”

“Rose… I told you I loved you… you kissed me and walked away; you didn’t once try and talk it over with me. You looked so miserable all the time, what was I supposed to think?

“That I needed you?”

“You… needed… me?”

“Yes… and you ran from me, ran from my hurt and confusion and turned it on yourself! Yes, I thought we were getting along nicely, cautiously, but that’s us all over isn’t it?”

“You never even tried to tell me… I left your flat, went to that tiny little box and you let me.”

“I thought you needed to… I was so scared that day and then when you came and met me in the mornings to walk to work... and afterwards… we were friends before and I wanted you to become comfortable…”

“Really?”

“You just saw me sad and confused and thought you were the reason for it?”

“In a way, I was… but not the way I thought…”

There was a long moment of thoughtful silence. They stared at each other dumbly, the realisation finally hitting home. 

He took another step towards her and this time she didn’t move back, but she looked terrified.

“Doctor, I’m scared…” she whispered.

“Me too…”

And then, just as he was about to reach for her, take her in his arms and kiss the living daylights out of her as he had wanted to for months, the doors burst open and Pete followed by a team of Torchwood’s finest burst through the doors.

“Rose, Doctor… move away from the ship… its property of Torchwood!“

“Pete? Just experimenting...” The Doctor tried to look relaxed and nonplussed.

“Nevertheless, Doctor… we’re seizing this and locking down this room!”

“Now wait a minute...”

“If you’d follow me out of here we can discuss what you’ve been up to in my office.”

"I haven't been in your office!" The Doctor quipped back only to get a Tyler glare from Rose. He bit his lip, trying not to laugh. Happiness was bubbling inside him.

“We’ve done nothing wrong… he’s been given full clearance down here to do as he pleases with all this junk!” Rose now found her voice, standing up to her alternate father and immediate boss.

“Come on… we saw what he was up to… not only that, the power has been surging all morning.” Pete indicated the camera pointing right at them.

"The power is reacting, not being used... this makes her own source..." he said looking towards the ship with a fondness that Rose found a little too familiar. She looked at him in disbelief, he really just couldn't help himself.

They walked down the corridor together, and he was surprised to feel a warm hand slip into his. He looked down into her eyes and stopped.

“We could always...” he whispered indicating the route back with his head and she stopped with him, shaking her own head.

“We can’t!” she hissed back.

“Just a quick jog back and we'd be away, they wouldn’t even have time to realise?” He then pointed his head towards their retreating backs.

“What about Mum and... everything?”

“We'll send them a postcard… if we get the chance?”

“No… just drop everything and go?”

“Wouldn’t be the first time, would it?”

“No...” she replied, but he couldn't tell whether she was agreeing or refusing this time. He smiled, stroked her face and leant in for the kill.

“Did I mention… it also doesn’t travel in time?”

There was a beat before her face lit up and together they turned back and…

they ran.


End file.
